Wife - "Can I drive?"

Husband - "No. I'm fine"

Wife - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!"

Husband - "No"

Wife - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob"

Husband - "Really?"

Wife - "Promise"

Husband - "Oh go on then"

..."And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concordia".

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Barbel Fishing Forum
Barbel Fishing Photos

I got a watch off of the lesbians next door for Christmas.............

...and I thought it was only men that misunderstand women.

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No trees were damaged by this e-mail, but a hell of a lot of electrons were severely disturbed by it.

For years men and women have argued over which is more painful:
A guy being kicked hard between the legs or a woman giving birth…?

Well here's the answer:

About a year or two after a couple’s first child, a woman will usually say "Let's have another baby."

But you won’t find a single man on this earth, who will ever say, a year or so down the line......."Give it another shot Dave"

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No trees were damaged by this e-mail, but a hell of a lot of electrons were severely disturbed by it.

A somewhat inebriated Canadian put his rod down, picked up his ice auger and drilled a hole into the ice. He peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another. Picked up his rod and was looking into the hole when the voice said, "There's no fish down there either."

So he walked about 50 yards away and was starting to drill a third hole and again the voice said, "Still no fish."

He looked upwards and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, it's not. And get off my bloody skating rink."
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An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favourite flies out of their box

Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday was the day he had to go to work.

The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he told the bishop he was ill, and called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and to be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.

The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. But an angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.

With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson."

God replied "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"

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Two guys are quietly sitting on the bank, knocking back the odd beer when suddenly one says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

The other sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

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A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But give him a fishing rod and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

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Why fishing is better than making love

* When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good
- If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
- And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
- In loving you lie about the one you caught.

* You can catch and release a fish. You don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

* You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.

* You can catch a fish with a small tin of luncheon meat.
- If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.



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No trees were damaged by this e-mail, but a hell of a lot of electrons were severely disturbed by it.

I was staring at this beautiful young girl on the train home. She said "What are you looking at?"

I said:
"Six to eight years, depending upon how hard you struggle!"..

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www.nottspac.co.uk

Seen in Newport, Wales

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Barbel Fishing Forum
Barbel Fishing Photos

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully when she fits them, the vacuum cleaner will work a lot better.'

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A government health warning last week said that anyone travelling in icy conditions, should take a shovel,blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing (including a scarf hat & gloves), 24 hour supply of food & drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch ( with batteries ), safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, 1st aid kit and jump leads.
I looked a right pillock on the bus this morning......
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Yorkshireman goes into a jewellers and asks " Can tha mek a gold statue of mi dog?" The jeweller replies " Aye lad, reckon I can..... Does tha want it eighteen carat?"
The bloke replies "Nay ya daft bugger, I want it chewing a bone......."
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No trees were damaged by this e-mail, but a hell of a lot of electrons were severely disturbed by it.

whats got 4 legs and more money than rangers????????????????????





harry rednapps dog

Guy gets a text from wife on a cold winters morning:"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:"pour some lukewarm water over it."

Guy gets a second text: "computer completely screwed now."

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No trees were damaged by this e-mail, but a hell of a lot of electrons were severely disturbed by it.

The pastor, one Sunday morning asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as
they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of
the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively
asked if anyone else had something to say.



A man stood up and walked slowly, and in obvious pain to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation went quiet and held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

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No trees were damaged by this e-mail, but a hell of a lot of electrons were severely disturbed by it.