Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to "**** off - anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!"

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack...... ....she hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Colin was bragging to his friend, Laura, one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, Laura called his bluff, “OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Colin and Laura fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Colin’s friend is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, she tells Colin that she thinks Colin’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Colin says. “President Obama,” his friend quickly retorts. “Yes,” Colin says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his friend over, saying, “Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, Laura is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds she expresses her doubts to Colin, who again implores her to name anyone else. “The Pope,” she replies. “Sure!” says Colin. “My wife is from Italy and because of her I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and Laura are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his friend has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his friends side, Colin asks her, “What happened?” His friend looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Colin?”

3 blokes in a hospital maternity ward..a scouser. a manc. and a rastafarian..

midwife comes out and says."good news fellas we have 3 healthy baby boys..
but we have ran out of name tags so the babys are mixed up..
so if each of you could go in and identify your own baby"..

manc goes in 1st and comes out with the black baby..

the rasta looks confused an says"dont you think out of the 3 that obviously that babys going to be mine"??

"probably" says the manc..

but one of them in theres a scouser and i aint taking no chances..

Binman is ringing this doorbell for ages because he can't find the bin. Anyway, just as he's about to leave this little Chinese man comes running down the stairs and answers the door.

'Where's your bin?' the binman asks.

'Ah bin upstairs'

'No, no. Where's your dustbin?'

'Ah, ah just bin upstairs avin' a poo' the little chinese man replies

'No, no. Where's your wheelie bin?' the binman says

'Ohkah, ah admit, ah weely bin upstairs avin a w***'
not mine all from another web-site

A bloke from the red cross knocked at mine the other day,

he said could i contribute to the flood appeal in pakistan

i said i would but we're on a water meter!
--------------------------------------------------------------
red cross guy asked if we could make a donation for the floods in pakistan

so i gave him a bucket of water...
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Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small
plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the
Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us
take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took
off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the
little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year."

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse just phoned.'

A man was stopped by a bailiff recently with two buckets of barbel leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The bailiff asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the bailiff, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the bailiff replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the river and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a load of bull! barbel can't do that!"

The man looked at the bailiff for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The bailiff was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the bailiff turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the bailiff prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The BARBEL"

"What barbel?" the man asked.

Give a scouser a fish and he'll feed his family for a day, give him a fishing rod and he'll beat you up with it and steal your trainers.