A guy goes to st helens council for a job the interviewer ask him are you allergis to anything yes caffeine he answers have you ever been in the armed forces yes iraq for 2 years he says are you disabled in anyway yes he replies a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off the interviewer say ok you hired the hours are 8am to 3pm but you can start at 10am everyday the guy looks puzzled and asks why 10am the interviewer says this is a council job for the first 2hours we stand around drinkin coffee and scratching our bollocks so not much point you coming in for that

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if you weren't fishing your be watching fishing programs dont deny it we no its true

what does a 9volt battery and a womans arsehole have in common?
you know its wrong but eventually you,ll touch it with your tongue

Oh Noooooooooooooooo

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Thermal Imaging
Building Heat Loss, Electrical, Flat Roof Leaks

If a man talks DIRTY to a woman its 'sexual harrassment'

yet if a woman talks DIRTY to a man 'it costs him £1-50 a minute' !!!

My girlfriend finished with me the other day saying that I was far too kinky for her in the bedroom.
I nearly spat her piss out when she told me!

Donald & Daisy



Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.


She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f*****g goal keeper"

A good looking man walked into an agent's office
in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience
on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood
you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not
disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."


The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will

HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left
the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside
the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would
possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor
in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with
my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood
with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what
you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride
to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made
it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

my mate just bought me a book how to cook road kill , so decided to give it a go and I must say it was delicious, still dont know what I'm going to do with his bike.

bernard matthews passed away today, 80yrs old, he was tough old bird, apparently his last request was for a little gobble